Sorry, the North – your train has been delayed by Tory lies on the line

Sorry, the North – your train has been delayed by Tory lies on the line

Hello, hello, is this thing on? Hello, the North! This is a message for passengers expecting the 2026 high-speed train service to the Northern Powerhouse, calling at Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield, and all places in between.

The operator of the government franchise would like you to know that this service is a fantastic and monumental achievement, and your eventual journey on it will be a great day for this country.

We want you to know this service will be efficient, stripped-back, and more affordable for you, the British taxpayer. It’s also a fantastic investment in our country’s economic growth, which is why the £30billion ticket we sold you in 2010 is now worth a whopping £96bn!

That’s a three-fold increase in your stake, and the tax inspector will be coming along the train shortly to take the extra cash from your credit card. Please remember, this is a massive CUT in our previously-predicted final ticket price, and any complaints about it can be directed to the, er, well, no-one.

“Totes not me! Ra!”

Now there’s some more good news, in that we have introduced an extra stop on this route. We have decided to stop going to Leeds.

I mean, what’s the point of it? What’s it for? It’s northern, isn’t it? Ah, yes, cricket! The home of Yorkshire Cricket Club! The wonderful emerald lawns of Headingley! Oh, yes, that’s right, it’s the cricket, isn’t it? That’s why we’ve stopped going to Leeds. Nasty business, best steer clear.

But we’ll spend £100m on a study into whether maybe we should go to Leeds at some point, because who needs £100m, certainly not Bradford which won’t be getting a new station.

Instead, we will be going to Birmingham, Manchester, Sheffield, and some of the places in between. We will be travelling more slowly so that you can really take in the view, and admire the Northern Powerhouse that we keep talking about, and which will appear at some point as soon as these trains get whizzing around.

And on that note, I can announce our new time of arrival will be some time around 2045, a mere 20 years after you were expecting it.

Today’s front page from the Sheffield Telegraph

You may also have expected electricity to feature on your route, along with new tracks and new trains, which is how we can get to high speeds of 155mph.

We have found that we can get to high speeds with a lot less disruption and expense, by simply changing the definition. So from now on, a high speed line is any railway that is electrified, which will enable you to travel at a much more impressive, yet stately, speed of 124mph.

This innovation means that our glorious high-speed rail network now includes the London Underground (electrified in 1890), the Volk’s Electric Railway in Brighton (opened 1883 and the oldest electric railway in the world), and the Liverpool Overhead Railway (opened 1893).

And of course, thanks to the ground-breaking sale of the national railways and constant under-investment, a fantastic 38% of the mainline network is as of today electrified and officially high-speed, without us having to go any faster and at zero cost to you, the passenger!

“Literally nothing to see here, move along”

There have been some customer concerns that the Northern Powerhouse is under-powered, and asking why the Y-shape of HS2 which the operator insists is still there actually looks more like a why-the-f***-did-we-bother.

Well I’m sorry to have to tell you that we’ve got clowns on the line. Our drivel-clearing trains have met with the wrong type of government, and unless someone can shift the slippery buggers who are on the wrong track then I’m afraid we’ll be finding a gap in both funding and delivery for a considerable time to come.

Fleet Street Fox

Despite these problems, please rest assured that your operator is going further, faster, to make the train take the strain so that you forget the corruption scandal we had earlier this week. Of course, if £82,000 is not enough to guarantee talent, than £96bn is likewise no guarantee that people who are untalented can run a toy train set, never mind a full-sized one.

As you await your imminent, massively-delayed departure on your lower high-speed trip to anywhere but Leeds, please remember that this great nation invented railways two centuries ago, and will figure out how to operate them effectively ANY DAY NOW.

Please remember to fill in your customer feedback sheet and let us know about your journey. This franchise is up for renewal in 2024 and we want to file your views in the out-of-order toilet before then.

Thank you for travelling on the Tory Train! Please allow the country to come to a complete halt before exiting the pain.